My Story

 2-13-23

I’ve always known that the Church is true, The Book of Mormon was the word of God, that I am a child of God. I’ve always been a pretty good kid, known right and wrong. I did my chores, I tried to do what my parents told me to. Even before I really knew how to read, I understood that reading scriptures every day was a good thing. My parents didn’t make any mistakes in raising me, nothing incredibly traumatic happened to me. Ultimately, I had a pretty successful and wonderful childhood. 

Going to school was great. I had many friends, learned new things with little effort, got great grades, and had the perfect amount of drama to keep things exciting. I never really felt left out or lonely. If I had stress about a test or project I was always able to take care of it and ended up doing a lot better than I expected to. 

Well, eventually summer after Freshman year comes around. My family was going through a lot of stress and soon we'd be moving from Idaho to Utah. One thing at a time things got harder and harder for me. Slowly Satan weakened me and continued to add more trials. 

I had an awful picture pop up on a device one night. I had no clue how those few seconds were going to affect the rest of my life. In just a few seconds a process started that would rewire my brain with a new addiction. I had no clue what was happening. 

I did all I could on my own to stop with very little success. 

I kept it a secret for year. One month I'd do super good, read the scriptures, and be clean.

The next month I'd give up and believe I would never ever be free.

When we finally made it to Utah I believed I had a fresh start. Everything was reset in my mind and I had a chance to finally be free. I really actually thought with a new house, a new room, a new bathroom and new everything else that my problem would just go away.

It didn't.

Things actually got worse. I would go to church, seminary, family home evenings and play the part of "somebody who is not addicted to porn" as best as I could. I hung out with friends and my family as though I was completely fine. When I was alone I was honest with myself and just full of self-hatred. Satan used these times to fill my head with lies. I believed I was broken. I believed there was no way I was ever gonna be free from this. I had accepted that my life was gonna suck.

Then one day I had a meeting with the Bishop. Something about Bishop Griffith made it just right and I was able to finally tell my priesthood leader what was really going on.

I assumed that since I told him I would now be free. No more temptation. No more lost battles. I thought it was gonna take the problem out of me.

It didn't!

It just helped me get on the right path. My best streaks got longer and longer. My testimony grew. My love for the gospel and especially the Book of Mormon grew a mega bunch. But I still had those periods of time where everything crashed and I failed and I believed all those lies and more.

Summer before senior year I found some incredible friends. They shared the same struggles I had and together we helped each other learn how to really actually win. We were accountable and vulnerable with each other. We strengthened each other and set goals for ourselves and as a group. The goals I set with them helped me grow and prepare for my mission more than really anything else did. Pretty soon things clicked in my mind and I could see exactly the things I needed to do to make it so I never ever lost again. I realized by choosing to rely on Jesus Christ and the Atonement I could make choices and receive divine power and help that made it so Satan's attacks didn't reach me. I had the power to stop Satan several choices before the choice of losing a battle or not. 

I hit 124 days! 

The last few weeks were particularly stressful and full of unique challenges. 

I remember the day that lost battle happened literally not even 5 minutes after I had lost, I got a text from my elders quorum president asking me to come help with a blessing.

I broke down crying and sobbing, full of guilt and shame. 

I texted him.and told him what had just happened and how I had just hit 124 and just lost all of it.

A few minutes later he called me and told me that he had talked with Bishop and I had received permission to go help with the blessing. We sat and talked in his car for a long time afterwards. 

Another fast forward, there was another few months of dumb time where for whatever reason I quit meeting with the group where I went to learn how to fight and set those goals. I believe I had done it on my own once before and I could do it again. I didn't need them. They don't need me either. That was a very dark time in my life. I had no victory at all and was full of bad feelings all the time.

One time mom basically told me to go back. She said I hadn't gone in such a long time and she knew that I loved that group of friends. She asked when I was gonna go back. I told her I'd go that week.

Instead, I sat in the car for 2 hours. I stepped out a few times and then got back in the car. I just cried and prayed the whole time.

Next week I went! And I got to bear my testimony in a special way at the end. It was just a group of a few guys and at first I was just gonna say the same things I always did. 

Somehow I was filled with light and the spirit and bore testimony the most powerfully I had ever before in my life. My small group of 6 boys were all crying. A few of them texted me later that week and shared how much something I said was exactly what they needed. 

I went to group every single week after that.

Now, I'm serving a mission. It has not been easy to keep going and pushing forward. Not easy at all. From breaking a wrist, to having a companion you love being sent home. From missing family to having days where the only good thing that happens is going to bed at the end of the day to having to learn ASL. Missions are not easy. But the hardest thing in my life was the trials associated with overcoming addiction and THAT has caused more light and testimony and growth than a lot of people get to even get to experience. I have personal experience with the atonement of Jesus Christ. I've literally been completely changed because of Jesus Christ and the Grace his atonement has made possible. I went from a low so low I thought I would never see the light again. Because of the atonement I was able to rise above all of that. All of it. 

So basically hard trials end up being good IF you include Jesus Christ in them. It doesn't matter what you're going through, there is always hope in Jesus Christ. There will always be a way out of trials, addictions, darkness because of Jesus Christ! 

Don't give up.

Keep on going. 

Read the Book of Mormon every day.